This is my report of 59 miles and laps. First, short recap of why I do this...my cousin took his life last July. He was 59 years old. Like him, I too have major depressive disorder and have struggled with suicidal ideation most of my life. So, to help others with the same struggle feel less alone, I put a semi colon somewhere on me while racing. This month, to honor my cousins 59 years of life, I ran and biked 59 miles, and swam 59 laps in the pool.
Since January, I've done 2 half marathons and Raleigh 70.3. For the first time in my life I consistently trained for races. I was ready for a break, and I live outside of Raleigh...it's HOT and HUMID! I was not very motivated to do this, and I have not run 59 miles in a month since February. In fact, my last post about this was mostly to hold myself accountable. The month started out and my mood went from low to lower.
Very long story short, I can't take antidepressants to help with any of my feelings. In a last ditch effort to not live with this as intense as I have been, I thought I'd try a new ADD med (I'm very ADD, and they help depression symptoms). It immediately chilled me out, but my already less than stellar sleeping and eating habits became even less stellar. I started trying to run at night so I could sleep in a bit. My stomach was a wreck, and it hurt. That along with the heat and humidity and this became a much bigger challenge.
The anniversary of my cousins death is July 17th, as it got closer I was trying to decide how I wanted to honor him on the one year anniversary of his death. Then, on July 12th, a close family friend very unexpectedly passed away. His funeral was the 16th and kind of consumed me and my family that week. To be blunt, I wanted to give up. At that point the bike was finished, swim mostly finished, but I was behind on running miles. Mentally and physically I was nowhere near ok. My closest running buddies and friends weren't available that weekend, and I needed 8 miles to catch up. Run alone?? Do people still do that?? How barbaric! I needed the laughs and smiles of my friends. I was very close to calling it quits, but I kept thinking "this is the whole point of the semicolon, so people feel like someone is with them in their struggle, so they won't give up! I can't just give up."
I wasn't able to put the thought into this that I wanted with the pending funeral, but that's life, right? Things don't happen as planned, and you just have to roll with it. So, 24 hours after putting a friend in the ground, I went out to run 8 miles to get back on track. At the last minute I was fortunate enough, thru my amazing run club, to gain a running partner. I had never run with her before, so I was a little nervous. It was perfect. We chatted a bit, but mostly just ran quietly side by side. She kept me going, but the quiet time to reflect was nice. I thought about my cousin the whole time. I felt his presence, almost like he was thanking me...it made me smile. I hadn't run that distance in quite some time, and it went much better than I thought.
Thankfully I have the best run club ever in my town, which made the rest of those running miles much more tolerable. I even finished them a few days early! I'm grateful a friend reminded me I still had 9 laps left in the pool on the 29th...how did I forget that??? I was still low, tired, emotionally spent, and nutritionally behind. I didn't want to go. In fact, I cried through them. But, I trudged through those running miles and the bike was long since completed...9 laps left?? Can't quit now. After leaving the pool, I felt hypocritical. I'm doing this to help others, to raise awareness...because I want people to find self worth and joy, and know they're aren't alone. I had none of that for most of the month. I didn't make this post earlier because I didn't feel right telling others to keep moving forward and not to quit, when quitting is all I wanted to do. But, then I realized something...That semi colon isn't something to be self conscious about. It's not a branding showing the world that we're defective. It's not a scar to hide. It's a badge of courage. I fight this every moment of the day; I get to wear it to show the world it's not a period. The whole point of the semi colon is to let people know that your story should have ended, it could have ended, but it didn't. You lived through wanting to make it end. You're still here. I'm still here. And I'm not done...
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