Make a Difference

All the semi colon posts yesterday were amazing! (This is long but please bear with it and make it to the end)  For those of you that are new, on July 17, 2015 my cousin took his life. He was 59, and I wanted to do something to honor him, so I biked and ran 59 miles and swam 59 laps in one month for him. With the help of Candice Colelli Cunningham, semifly was born, and I sported it along the way that month. When it was over, I decided semifly needed to be a part of every race. You see, I know how he felt. I remember exactly where I was the first time I thought "I just want to die", and the feeling behind that thought. I was 13. I remember screaming and crying on the inside, and smiling on the outside. I hid it. For so long I hid it.  My cousin hid it too. He gave no warning signs. He told no one. We hide it because we're scared. So many are scared! During those years that I didn't tell anyone, I remember seeing semicolon tattoos on people and feeling a sense of peace. I knew they knew what I was going through. Even if that moment only lasted a second, for that second I wasn't alone. When you feel nothing but emptiness and despair, that second is everything. When you feel completely lost and like no one understands, that second can get you through the whole day. When you feel like that person is holding your hand from afar, even tho you don't know their name...you feel like you can breath a little easier, even if just for a second, because that second feels like heaven when you're living in hell. To all of those that aren't new, that have done this for me before and have a desire to continue...YOU are making a difference. YOU are letting someone know they're not alone, when all they feel is completely alone. There are those that don't know how it feels, and you're letting them know that you support and love this thing that isn't easily understood. It's something that isn't tangible, and easy to shun. Your example will help them think twice before they dismiss it as something that's not real. So, thank you to all that have supported this or are about to, whether for me or for loved ones you've lost along the way. I'm so glad this seems like it will be a part of the HSHM, especially it being National Survivors of Suicide Day. I'll semicolon for my cousin, as I survived his...and I've survived 4 of my own attempts (can't get anything right...sheesh 🙄) 

I know this is already long, but I want to add...if you suspect anyone is struggling in this way, ask them how they are...really ask them. Don't let them tell you they're fine if your know they're not. Be pushy. Ask them if they feel safe. Ask them to tell you what they need. Don't accept "nothing". Tell them they're loved. Check on them frequently. Know they feel like a burden, and they don't want to bother you...do whatever you can to keep them bothering you. Let them laugh or cry or do whatever they need to. Just be there. And take care of you so you can better help them. Know they are grateful, even when they don't seem like they are. They're grateful for every second you spend trying to help them save themselves from a beast that's swallowing them whole. Those seconds are seconds that you're in that pit of despair with them, and that is incredibly huge to them. You're saving them bit by bit. If anything, remember...when people are the hardest to love, that's when they need it the most. 

Below is the first race pic of semifly. I was self conscious that day about it, as there were about 50 HSRC members at this race, but they were so great, such a loving family about this. Words can't express my gratitude that they've grown this so much! Thank you! I love you HSRC!

#runwithasemi #yourenotalone #we;thistown #semifly

2016 Anniversary

This is my report of 59 miles and laps. First, short recap of why I do this...my cousin took his life last July. He was 59 years old. Like him, I too have major depressive disorder and have struggled with suicidal ideation most of my life. So, to help others with the same struggle feel less alone, I put a semi colon somewhere on me while racing. This month, to honor my cousins 59 years of life, I ran and biked 59 miles, and swam 59 laps in the pool. 

Since January, I've done 2 half marathons and Raleigh 70.3. For the first time in my life I consistently trained for races. I was ready for a break, and I live outside of Raleigh...it's HOT and HUMID! I was not very motivated to do this, and I have not run 59 miles in a month since February. In fact, my last post about this was mostly to hold myself accountable. The month started out and my mood went from low to lower. 

Very long story short, I can't take antidepressants to help with any of my feelings. In a last ditch effort to not live with this as intense as I have been, I thought I'd try a new ADD med (I'm very ADD, and they help depression symptoms). It immediately chilled me out, but my already less than stellar sleeping and eating habits became even less stellar. I started trying to run at night so I could sleep in a bit. My stomach was a wreck, and it hurt. That along with the heat and humidity and this became a much bigger challenge. 

The anniversary of my cousins death is July 17th, as it got closer I was trying to decide how I wanted to honor him on the one year anniversary of his death. Then, on July 12th, a close family friend very unexpectedly passed away. His funeral was the 16th and kind of consumed me and my family that week. To be blunt, I wanted to give up. At that point the bike was finished, swim mostly finished, but I was behind on running miles. Mentally and physically I was nowhere near ok. My closest running buddies and friends weren't available that weekend, and I needed 8 miles to catch up. Run alone?? Do people still do that?? How barbaric! I needed the laughs and smiles of my friends. I was very close to calling it quits, but I kept thinking "this is the whole point of the semicolon, so people feel like someone is with them in their struggle, so they won't give up! I can't just give up."

I wasn't able to put the thought into this that I wanted with the pending funeral, but that's life, right? Things don't happen as planned, and you just have to roll with it. So, 24 hours after putting a friend in the ground, I went out to run 8 miles to get back on track. At the last minute I was fortunate enough, thru my amazing run club, to gain a running partner. I had never run with her before, so I was a little nervous. It was perfect. We chatted a bit, but mostly just ran quietly side by side. She kept me going, but the quiet time to reflect was nice. I thought about my cousin the whole time. I felt his presence, almost like he was thanking me...it made me smile. I hadn't run that distance in quite some time, and it went much better than I thought.  

 Thankfully I have the best run club ever in my town, which made the rest of those running miles much more tolerable. I even finished them a few days early! I'm grateful a friend reminded me I still had 9 laps left in the pool on the 29th...how did I forget that??? I was still low, tired, emotionally spent, and nutritionally behind. I didn't want to go. In fact, I cried through them. But, I trudged through those running miles and the bike was long since completed...9 laps left?? Can't quit now. After leaving the pool, I felt hypocritical. I'm doing this to help others, to raise awareness...because I want people to find self worth and joy, and know they're aren't alone.  I had none of that for most of the month. I didn't make this post earlier because I didn't feel right telling others to keep moving forward and not to quit, when quitting is all I wanted to do. But, then I realized something...That semi colon isn't something to be self conscious about. It's not a branding showing the world that we're defective. It's not a scar to hide.  It's a badge of courage. I fight this every moment of the day; I get to wear it to show the world it's not a period. The whole point of the semi colon is to let people know that your story should have ended, it could have ended, but it didn't. You lived through wanting to make it end.  You're still here. I'm still here. And I'm not done...

History

My biggest struggle thus far in life has been with mental illness. Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder has ruled my thoughts and feelings for as long as I can remember, even as a small child. I've lived with constant suicidal and self destructive thoughts most of my life. I'm 37, and until I was 33...through great lengths and at all costs, I hid it. I've had great friends that let me open up here and there, little by little over the passed 5 years, but it was still difficult to talk about face to face. Last year, on July 17th, my 59 year old cousin took his own life. He hid it too. I had no idea we shared this struggle. After processing his death for a bit, I decided I wouldn't hide it anymore. I know how he felt. I know he felt alone, like he was a burden, and like his existence was unwanted. I know he felt like he was doing us a favor. I decided I wanted to use my sport to let others know they aren't alone, and they matter.  A dear friend, Candi, helped me create a semicolon butterfly (semifly) to help spread awareness and give me a way to help others that struggle know they aren't alone. Last October I rode my bike 59 miles, ran 59 miles, and swam 59 laps in the pool to honor my cousins 59 years of life, with semifly somewhere visible throughout the month. I didn't want it to end there. I decided to race with it, for all races from now on. I had amazing friends join me along the way.  I am so grateful every time I see them help me let others know they aren't alone. As July marks the anniversary of his death, I will do another "month of 59" in my cousins honor. I hope it helps those that suffer to know that it's ok to have a voice, reach out, ask for help.  If you suffer in silence, just know there are those out there that care, and want to help. You are not alone!