My biggest struggle thus far in life has been with mental illness. Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder has ruled my thoughts and feelings for as long as I can remember, even as a small child. I've lived with constant suicidal and self destructive thoughts most of my life. I'm 37, and until I was 33...through great lengths and at all costs, I hid it. I've had great friends that let me open up here and there, little by little over the passed 5 years, but it was still difficult to talk about face to face. Last year, on July 17th, my 59 year old cousin took his own life. He hid it too. I had no idea we shared this struggle. After processing his death for a bit, I decided I wouldn't hide it anymore. I know how he felt. I know he felt alone, like he was a burden, and like his existence was unwanted. I know he felt like he was doing us a favor. I decided I wanted to use my sport to let others know they aren't alone, and they matter. A dear friend, Candi, helped me create a semicolon butterfly (semifly) to help spread awareness and give me a way to help others that struggle know they aren't alone. Last October I rode my bike 59 miles, ran 59 miles, and swam 59 laps in the pool to honor my cousins 59 years of life, with semifly somewhere visible throughout the month. I didn't want it to end there. I decided to race with it, for all races from now on. I had amazing friends join me along the way. I am so grateful every time I see them help me let others know they aren't alone. As July marks the anniversary of his death, I will do another "month of 59" in my cousins honor. I hope it helps those that suffer to know that it's ok to have a voice, reach out, ask for help. If you suffer in silence, just know there are those out there that care, and want to help. You are not alone!
My biggest struggle thus far in life has been with mental illness. Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder has ruled my thoughts and feelings for as long as I can remember, even as a small child. I've lived with constant suicidal and self destructive thoughts most of my life. I'm 37, and until I was 33...through great lengths and at all costs, I hid it. I've had great friends that let me open up here and there, little by little over the passed 5 years, but it was still difficult to talk about face to face. Last year, on July 17th, my 59 year old cousin took his own life. He hid it too. I had no idea we shared this struggle. After processing his death for a bit, I decided I wouldn't hide it anymore. I know how he felt. I know he felt alone, like he was a burden, and like his existence was unwanted. I know he felt like he was doing us a favor. I decided I wanted to use my sport to let others know they aren't alone, and they matter. A dear friend, Candi, helped me create a semicolon butterfly (semifly) to help spread awareness and give me a way to help others that struggle know they aren't alone. Last October I rode my bike 59 miles, ran 59 miles, and swam 59 laps in the pool to honor my cousins 59 years of life, with semifly somewhere visible throughout the month. I didn't want it to end there. I decided to race with it, for all races from now on. I had amazing friends join me along the way. I am so grateful every time I see them help me let others know they aren't alone. As July marks the anniversary of his death, I will do another "month of 59" in my cousins honor. I hope it helps those that suffer to know that it's ok to have a voice, reach out, ask for help. If you suffer in silence, just know there are those out there that care, and want to help. You are not alone! 
