Raleigh 70.3 Race Report

 Gotta thank the semicolons this weekend 🙂 I have been trying to think what to say, then read my race report from Raleigh 70.3 last year, and felt like I just needed to reshare it: 

This will be a bit different of a race report. I won't go into the details of what I was thinking every mile, but more I want to write about why I did it. I have not been racing with a semi colon very long, but the responses I've gotten from it have been truly amazing. This race was bigger than anything I thought I could do. BUT, I'm still here, and I wanted to do it for all those that aren't and can't. All the periods, that suffered too much, were too tired, and lost their fight.  I wanted to do it for all those that would rather be a period, but still get out of bed and carry on every day.  They still fight. This race was a fight, and it ended for me in 7 hours and 43 minutes. Mental illness is a fight that never ends, that most don't see. But when we fight for something that we CAN see, it gives others strength to carry on, even if just for a day.  It may have just been in my head, because it's what I chose to do, but It was an honor to race for all those that can't anymore. I have a family member that took his life last summer, I thought about him a lot while I was fighting to finish a very brutal swim in very choppy water. I thought about friends that suffer while trudging through 90+ heat with no shade for 13.1 miles, I had to keep going for them. So many mentally fight every second of the day, physically fighting for them made it easier. If I quit, then it's easier for them to quit, and I didn't want to make that ok.

Thanks ya'll!! 💜💜

Small Things Change Lives

 "Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever." – Margaret Cho

Mental illness has the name "illness" because that's exactly what it is. Just like any other, we can't will it away. We can't fix it on our own, or cure it without help. Just like a sinus infection would need antibiotics, mental illness is real, and requires the same attention as any other illness. 

I don't personally have the ability to make antibiotics, nor do most people.  If a friend has an illness, we can make a meal, or watch their kids, or offer other such support, but we wouldn't be able to cure them. I tell you this because I want you to know that if someone you know chooses to make a drastic decision, that was their choice. Yes, we can support, listen, love...do what you can...but if that ultimate decision is made, please don't think it's your fault for not doing enough. Cancer kills people, and mental illness robs a person of rational thinking at times. I wanted to share this because so many blame others or themselves. It's no ones "fault",  just like cancer isn't something to blame on others. Our loved ones can be shown as much love and support as we can give, but at the end of the day, if that decision is their desire, they will find a way. They will find a moment that no one is watching and the means to do it in 10 seconds. That's not on anyone's shoulders that's still here. 

I mentioned earlier about the cycle of mental illness. 12 hours can make a huge difference. Personally, I've gone from complete crisis to moving forward in that amount of time. Do what you can to help carry someone through a crisis, but please don't blame yourself or others if you/they couldn't/didn't/weren't able. Sometimes this illness wins, and all we can do is learn from it. 

We may not be able to make antibiotics, but we can do things that are seemingly "small and barely detectable" to us, that may be huge and life changing to others that just need to something to get them through the day. Keep at it, you're making a difference! 

Slow Down for Your Friends

I'm a bit nostalgic today so I wanted to share something. Long story short, 19 years ago today I had an amazing friend bring in an alcoholic, drug addicted teenager. He cleaned her up...she wasn't always nice and rarely very healthy. She was lost, defensive, didn't trust, and was fearful of human contact. A few evenings a week, he took her running. She whined, complained, threw up, refused to go up a hill, argued, and he laughed, smiled, encouraged the whole time. 

A few things happened during this time. It got her out for some much needed fresh air, it grew a tighter friendship, the resistance lessened and eventually it wasn't just him that was laughing.  Some days it was the only part of the day that she smiled. She eventually started to enjoy those runs, the time together, and every once in a while she even ran up a hill as she started to feel better. 

If you have see anyone around you that looks like they may need some fresh air, take

them out if you can. Let them hate you for it, eventually they'll love you for it...and you'll have changed a life...which I can only imagine must be a pretty amazing feeling. 

Running is more than running. It's desire to inspire, the creation of comradery,  the learning of how much fight one has within his or herself that they never knew was there, it's the love for a fellow human that can't love herself. So, next time you lace up your shoes...ask a friend if they'll go with you. They may "slow you down", but what you'll gain in your heart far outweighs a strava segment PR 🙂

Just food for thought. 

What's Behind the Trees

I've been wondering how to thank everyone for the semicolons last weekend. I never want anyone to think it goes unnoticed by me.  I couldn't find the right words, until I was looking out my office window this morning. Right now all you can see is as far as the trees. In the winter when the leaves aren't on the trees, you can see that there's an entire apartment complex just on the other side of those trees. Just like people,  sometimes we can't see what's really there.  We may never know what's behind the exterior of those around us. People hide when they are hurting, they're scared and embarrassed...ashamed and self conscious. 

I was just looking out the window, wondering who inside and outside of HSRC that these semicolons have touched, and we don't even know. The souls that are covered with leaves that just need someone to peak through, notice them, tell them that they're loved and not alone. I'm so grateful for all of you, and what YOU have turned this into!  I've been thinking a lot about that first race that I donned semifly, I never dreamed it would turn into what it has. I have no doubt that it has made an impact for so many strangers, and those we love that are right in front of us. It shows others what HSRC as a whole is made of...a bunch of amazingly loving souls that will go to any length to show that love and kindness.  It inspires others to show love as well, and that's all I wanted that first race. For those around me to know they aren't alone, and that it's ok to have a weakness. It's ok to show others that it's ok to love those that suffer without judgement.  If we have enough of that, than maybe those that do suffer will peak out behind the leaves on their trees and see they will fall into loving arms. THAT will change their lives! YOU are changing their lives!!!

THANK YOU!!

Mr. Link

 Story time! Because I want you all to know how much of an impact 30 seconds of your time can make. I want to introduce Jerry link to HSRC. He was my high school track coach, and lives in MD, but I wanted him to see the semicolon posts from this weekend. You see, when I was 14 I had a plan. It was a great plan (at least I thought so). I was not going to be here the next day. I sat in my last class of the day, which was computer lab, and typed probably 200 times over and over "I want to die". My teacher walked by, I didn't look up to see if he saw, that was my one little test of fate. If he saw, and intervened, then maybe I wouldn't. He didn't. Class ended, and I walked to my locker which was across the hall from Mr. Link's classroom. He stood outside his classroom between every class and at the end of the day to just tell his students how great they were for whatever he knew they accomplished. He was so weird!  Anyway, I put my backpack in my locker, I wasn't going to bring it home that day...I wouldn't be needing it anymore. Mr. Link, who didn't know me other than the kid that distracted one of his star athletes with all kinds of shinanigans, said "hey, come out for track tomorrow." I said "what? Why?" He said "Because I want you to."

Whaaaat??? Ok...no grown up had ever said they wanted me anywhere but "away". I went home, I sat in my room, and was so mad at him for making me question my plan! I had a plan! But I liked that feeling he gave me when he said he wanted me there. He gave me this ounce of worth that I hadn't known before. It was sooo weird! I got up, and I started to carry out my plan, and then I stopped. I wanted to go to track the next day. I waffled all night.  I fought with all the lies that the illness of depression tells you, and tries with all its might to get you to believe. That was the first time I remember really trying to fight it. Then I got up the next day...and I had no clean clothes, because I didn't do laundry, because I wasn't going to need clean clothes (which oddly enough was part of the timing for the plan...laundry day is a great reason to kill yourself, right?? I had no will to do it anymore.) I wore dirty clothes to school that day. 

And so the story goes...he got me to every day after that for quite some time just by being his amazing self. I quit track that year...alcohol and drugs won. But my locker was still across the hall from Mr. link...and he continued to be kind and caring (except the one time he jokingly told me I suck and I yelled at him that I never forget that 😜..,I was a fun kid!) 

The point of the story is, that first day...he took 5 seconds of his day to reach out to a kid that I'm sure he knew was not ok. 5 seconds can change someone's life...5 seconds can SAVE someone's life. He cared, that's all it took.  There is good in everyone, sometimes it's harder to find...but it's there. I'm a firm believer that when people are the hardest to love, that's when they need it the most. That's been true for me. 

So many of you took 5 seconds out of your day to show your racing world that you care, that's so huge! You changed people's day, you may have changed their week. You definitely changed mine! You educated with love.  THANK YOU!! 

He is coming to relay Raleigh 70.3 with Candi and I in June, and asked if he could semicolon. How special it will be for him to show off something he had such a huge hand in creating! I can't wait to race with him! Not only do I firmly believe I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be a runner or know any of you without his hand in my life. I did my first 5k years after high school for him, and well we know what happens after the first one... 😉 

Fairies

 I know you've seen my name post way too many posts today, but I gotta do this...

So many awesome memories this morning! I have to give a huge shout out to some really amazing people.  Laura Saye, Alexandra Sandy Duhon, Dave Karls, Joel Duhon and Carey Allen all had semicolons this morning during their race.  I wonder how many people were helped today 🙂 I wonder how many people's whole day was changed. Running a race is something we do for ourselves. We train and take the time for ourselves so we can see what we are made of, or fight our demons, or for whatever reason WE have. BUT, we can also do it for someone else. We can show someone that they aren't forgotten or alone. We can show them that they are thought of and loved.  That's HUGE! Something that takes 15 seconds on our part, gives them a reason to keep moving forward. YOU took the time to show them that they matter. YOU made a difference today. YOU did that! And YOU made her or his day. That person knows someone is with them, fighting with them. You guys chose to be a part of something bigger than you and your race today, that's more awesome than words can say! 

I wasn't planning on being here this morning. I walked up to the finish line and saw the back of a pink HSRC shirt and an arm with a semicolon. Laura saye, YOU changed my day! Thank you! My heart immediately melted in a big pile of mushy heart goo of gratitude. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. Thank you for thinking of us that fight an illness that no one can see. Every day we fight to stay alive, and you helped me fight today! As did the others...my heart melted more with each one I saw. You guys are true family! I'm so glad I got to be a part of your day today, thank you for letting me share it! And thank you for changing mine!

3/16/17 - Tobacco Road last year was the first time I raced with Semifly. It's been a year, so I wanted to do an anniversary post. First, thank you to all of you that have supported this!  There's an album on my personal page with all the semiflies from the past year...it's pretty amazing and even spans several states! I was so scared that day to do this, but I knew the bigger picture was more important than my fear. I remember being shocked at the amount of support, and pats on the back. I really thought I'd lose friends that day, but I gained many more! 

Most people don’t understand why some people try to put an end to their life. They think it’s selfish of us, or that we’re weak and don’t know how to cope with small things. But that’s not what it really is. I want to try my best to share how we feel, to give you some insight into what depression and being suicidal really feels like. I found this story and it's so accurate, and puts it way better than I could...

"Imagine you’re a fairy.

You see all your friends flying around you, laughing and chattering. You flap your wings, but only just about manage to lift your feet above the ground for a few seconds before tumbling back down again. But you won’t give up. You want to fly, just like the others.

You try day after day, week after week, year after year — you don’t give up until you succeed. And sure enough, all your hard work pays off! You gradually get the hang of flying and soon your flying alongside your friends, laughing and chattering.

You’re flying above the clouds, higher than anyone else, enjoying the feeling of the wind underneath your wings. You make the most of every moment, as it took you so long to get there.

But then it’s all gone.

You feel a bullet rip your wing. You’re falling out of the sky at an alarming pace. You fall so fast that your friends don’t even notice you as you fall past them. “I just want to live!” you shout, before the ground comes rushing up to meet you.

You land with a crash. Your entire body hurts from the fall. You try to stand up, but the pain is too strong. You look around you and see that you’re in a large pit. You look up, trying to figure out how deep the pit is, but it’s so deep that you can’t see the top.

You try to flap your wings, but they’re useless now that the bullet’s gone through them.

You try climbing out of the pit, despite the unbearable pain you’re in, but there’s nothing to grip on to, and to make matters worse, it starts raining making the walls of the pit slipperier than ever. You fall back into a muddy heap on the ground, and weep and weep and weep.

This is what depression is for me."

The first time I did a semifly, I wanted those on the ground to know that I saw them, I see them, I'm with them...they aren't alone. I am on the ground a lot, and those that come into that pit with me save my life by just being there. They give me a lifeline. They hold me together from completely shattering. Semifly is a symbol showing you know the ground exists, and you're visiting. That visit can save a life. It also shows those that don't quite understand that it's ok to be understanding. It's ok to love those that struggle, and not shun them for something that's not a visible disease. Thank you again for being an awesome running family and letting Semifly fly all over everywhere!!! 

Sorry for the long post (again). Below is a pic from TRM last year. Happy Anniversary Semifly!!!